Depression and anxiety sucks

It’s funny. I was on a total high last month – things were so good: I was exercising every day, my anxiety was under control, I was taking care of myself, I had a positive outlook, etc. Then, February hit and shit came tumbling down… fast.

Our oldest had some hard days with his episodes. Unfortunately, when he has rough days, I too have even worse days. My depression came back.. hard.

January’s highs came down like a free fall and I fell hard.. probably further down than I’ve been for years. My very bad relationship with food came back. I wanted to distance myself from everyone. I stopped exercising. I stopped blogging. I stopped journaling. When depression hits, I don’t want to do a damn thing and I self sabotage. I don’t take care of myself and I binge eat all the sugar I can get a hold of. Depression is ugly and it sucks. Then, add in my friend anxiety and it’s a whole lot of fun.

If there’s a silver lining here: I called for help. I got on my therapist’s schedule again and I got an appointment with the prescriber for my anti-depressants. I’ve been on the lowest dose possible, but it is obvious I needed a step up. I couldn’t manage myself and things weren’t good.

Another silver lining: my therapist reminded me I’ve been here before. And, it doesn’t last forever and I always get myself back out of it. She’s right. Somehow out of the dark, I do seem to crawl myself out. I’m here. I’m blogging.. that’s a small step out of it. We also took the kids to the trampoline park, so I burned a bunch of calories. The exercise felt great.

This rollercoaster is pretty rough right now, but I’m looking forward to seeing the light again.

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Month end update

Things are going alright. Lots of ups and downs with the kiddos and worked is, of course, stressful. However, a few good takeaways:

1. No storm eating – I have not used sweets to curb my stress. Yay!

2. Enjoying Noom and keeping up with it.

3. Best of all, check out my activity for the mont of January. Only 2 days I didn’t close my exercise ring 🎉🎉

I’m hoping this next month I can keep up with the activity. I am also hoping I can handle my stress better with the kiddos.

Well, here’s to a new month!

Not in a good space

This week has been rough. Very stressful at work while the kids seemed to turn up the defiance. I have reached my breaking point today, and I broke down. Kids are in their rooms for “quiet time”, so I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the exhaust fan, and cried. I wrote in my anxiety journal about my depression, because I have a fun mix of anxiety/depression rolled into one right now. It’s not a great head space to be in.

My kids won’t leave me alone. They are still calling “mommy I need this, mommy I need that” and I just have nothing else to give. I feel helpless. I’m tired. I want to hit pause and take a break. But I can’t.

Days like this week makes me wish I could pack my bags and run away to get my head on straight. I’m not strong enough to feel like I’m being constantly pushed back down.

Well, this is a fun post.. sorry for the negativity, but this is the hard truth on where I’m at.

I’m going to do yoga and hope I can feel just a touch of zen in my life. Here’s to hoping..

Hard truth

It’s been 15 days I’ve been really spending some quality time on myself. Not just trying to lose some pounds, but also trying to gain an understanding of myself.

15 days I have actively been working out. Only 3 days did I take rest days, and even at that, those rest days I did yoga.

15 days I have been figuring out my anxiety triggers, and the negative coping skills I have been medicating myself with (ie sweet binges).

15 days I have been taking time out of my day to journal and/or read a book for a type of escape.

And on this 15th day, I realized I no longer want to put myself last. I am realizing by doing that, I am not only making myself suffer; but, I am making my whole family suffer with me.

Day 15 I mark to put myself first (or relatively first). I need to take time out for my health. I need to take time out for my sanity. I am human. By starting to move myself up on the priority list, I feel empowered. I feel happier. I feel like I am starting to enjoy my husband and kids again. So, by putting some time and effort in myself, my family also gains.

Yesterday at my oldest’s therapy session, I admitted to my son I have faults and I’m not perfect. Even mommy is working on herself. And, I told him my biggest trigger is the noise chaos. I wasn’t sure if he understood what I was trying to tell him or not, but I need to start being honest with myself and with my kids. My oldest definitely struggles with anxiety, and I want him to know he’s not alone.

So this morning, him and his brother start getting loud and I could feel my anxiety heighten. I looked at my oldest, and I said calmly “sweetie, so you remember what I told you yesterday about noise?” He looked at me and says “yes”. And by some miracle, he lowered his voice and he stopped yelling. He heard me. He understood and he listened. At that moment, I was so proud of not only me but of my son.

So, reality sucks. It’s hard to take a big look at yourself and your life and admit there are a lot of problems. But, these 15 days have been the best days I have had in a long time. I’m hopeful things will continue and we will all be in a happier place. ❤️

Trials but victories

Yesterday was another good day. I felt relaxed, I didn’t feel overwhelmed with work, and I lost 1.8 lbs!

Today, was different. I was up in weight on the scale, work was feeling overwhelming, and a client wasn’t terribly happy. HOWEVER, I have some small victories from the day:

1. I drank my water. Usually when I’m swamped at work, I make bad eating choices. One of them is not to be mindful of my water intake. It was 1:00pm and I realized I haven’t had any water for the day. So, I walked upstairs and filled up my water. I have successfully drank 10 glasses of water today. YAY!

2. I still made good eating choices. Once again, in times of stress, I usually binge eat sweets. Today, I popped in sugar free gum and continued on my day. I did not carelessly eat anything today, and I haven’t even indulged in a cookie!

3. I was mindful of my breathing. I took some deep breaths when I noticed my shoulders tensing and jaw tightening.

4. I exercised. Tonight was the first night since starting Beachbody again, that I had to REALLY make myself do the workouts. I did everything I could to talk myself out of it. But, I knew of all days (a stressful one), is the day I REALLY NEEDED to workout. So, I got my butt in gear and did it.

5. I took a couple minutes to myself. I stepped away from my kids and hubby when things were just getting over the top. So, I locked myself in the bathroom and did 5 minutes of reading on my Noom app. (Don’t judge 🤷🏻‍♀️😅)

So, things were pretty poopy today, but all in all, still some really good stuff. I’m hoping it will pay off in the long-run (and that tomorrow will be a better day)!

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It’s a good day

Today, has been a good day. Just in 10 days, here are the positive things I have done:

1. Today I completed day 10 of 21 Day Fix

2. Today I completed day 10 of 3-week yoga retreat

3. I practiced my breathing when I would normally stress the @$!? out

4. I felt positive today towards myself

5. I have increased my water intake on a daily basis

6. Even though I gained weight on the scale, I didn’t let that get to me

7. I joined Noom again and I’m loving it

I know this health kick high won’t last forever, so I want to document some moments I’ve been proud of ❤️💪🏼

Thank you

People come into your lives, and most of the time, they leave. But, I truly believe people are meant to be there during part of your journey. I have a dear friend- We met in fifth grade – basketball camp to be specific. And we’ve been good friends since. We weren’t best friends, but I always felt she would be there for me if/when I ever needed her. We were in both of our weddings. Our lives took off and the distance grew.. not by choice, but that’s just how life carries you; especially when we both have kiddos that keep us busy.

Yesterday, something nagged at me to give her a text. She and I haven’t seen each other for a couple years, but since I have this week off, I was hoping we may be able to reconnect for an hour or so. Thankfully, she was available and we met for coffee this morning.

To say it was amazing is an understatement. I felt like I could be totally raw with my feelings, and there was absolutely no judgement. Because, she gets it. Life with depression, anxiety, and struggles to coping, have bonded us. Sometimes it’s bittersweet that it takes life’s struggle of a journey to bring two people together again.

I am thankful for her. I am thankful for her no judgement. And I’m thankful for her support. I’m thankful we met so many years ago. And, even when things get busy, we are able to meet like no time has gone by at all. We talked over coffee for three hours, and it was one of the best three hours I have had for a long time.

Thank you, friend, for always being there. And, I hope you know, I am here for you, too. We got this ❤️❤️

Kumbaya

This week I have off from work.. and really off from the family as well (husband is still working and kiddos will be in daycare). There are not many opportunities to focus on myself, so I have decided to be selfish and really work on me this week.

The goal… to work on getting some zen in my life. My days are full of chaos, as soon as I wake up to when the kids go down for bed. Everyone is needing something from “mom” and I just don’t ever seem to catch a break. From being a mom, to working my ass off, and to being a wife.. there’s just no time in the world to get it all done.

I purchased a couple zen journals from Amazon, which I’m excited to try. I’m not a journaling type… I try through this blog, but some days it’s just one more “thing” to add on the plate. However. It’s nice to be able to blab shit down in print, so I’m not keeping everything bottled up.

I also purchase a zen book that is an easy read. Teaches you about how to love… and frankly it hits home. I can’t give true love to my partner and my kids, if I don’t have love for myself. So, I’m trying a new thing and to try to love the person who I am. I want to be able to give love to my husband and my kids, and I do feel like I have failed at that. I’m always so on edge and have a stick up my ass most days, I’m sure I’m not the easiest person to love back either.

On another zen note, besides picking up the 21 Day Fix workout, I’ve also picked up a 3 week yoga routine after my cardio. I’m not a huge fan of yoga usually, because frankly who has time for all that kumbaya. I want to feel like physically work my ass off in a workout, and to see the calories on my fitness tracker. However, I don’t know what it is, but yoga really gives off powerful endorphins. WAY more than cardio or even my sweets. I LOVE the feeling after yoga.. the feeling of power and the feeling of happiness after it’s over. It’s a euphoric feeling, and I’m actually pleasantly surprised by it. I’m glad I’ve incorporated into my life, and I hope I can keep this feeling going ❤️

And, I’m Back

I took a bit of unwanted hiatus from my healthier living routine. Mainly because I tweaked something in my low back, and I needed to rest. Unfortunately, exercise seems to dictate how well I make food choices. So, I was off my workout routine, which means my stress/anxiety was extra strong. I’m hindsight, it really makes me realize how much better I feel with my anxiety when I have exercise in my life. Without it, I go back to my horrible eating habits. To make things worse, it’s the holidays; many more sweets in the house than usual. I did what any addict does and medicated myself the old way. You know, binge eating sweets. There is no moderation, and I can’t stop. It’s quite embarrassing to admit how many calories I’m sure I consumed within a matter of days and weeks. Sadly, my waistline can probably tell you the story better than I can 🥺

How is it sweets feel so comforting? Then, out of the binge, you feel like total crap that you gave into it again?

I’m doing what most people do after a New Year.. swear to eat better and get back to exercising. I’m taking it easier with my back, and modifying where I can to be sure I don’t create more of an injury. I feel good. I feel less stress. And best of all, I feel the same endorphins I seek in sweets. Without the guilt.

Here’s to hoping I can keep this up and get back into the good habits I had before the sweets addiction took over.

Does anyone else find positive coping skills during times of stress/anxiety? I automatically reach for a cookie without realizing I’m doing it. I’m curious what works for others, as I would like to pick up as many good habits as I can ❤️❤️

Short and sweet

I saw this on social media today, and it really hit home. No matter what obstacle you’re going through, I hope this is a good reminder for many ❤️❤️