Infertility

When to move to the next chapter…

After having my second child, I knew he was going to be our last. At the time of crying, screaming, major sleep deprivation, and constant stress in the house, it was pretty easy to say “yep, we are done”. But, now that I had a pregnancy scare a few days ago, and making the decision to make this “final”, I seem to be having a hard time with it. Logistically, I know we are done. Financially, we are done. Mentally, I totally can’t do it again. But why are there heart strings being pulled to finally turn the chapter? Is it knowing I’ll never have those first baby snuggles again? Maybe. Is it because it was so hard to have babies to begin with, trying to have babies has been my “hobby” for about 6 years and it’s all I know? Possibly.

When I think about all the pros and cons, I know I’m done having babies. Having a second child has been an eye opening experience. I now know I am not the best human with no sleep. Getting out of that dark hole has been harder this time around and I don’t ever want to experience that again. I have much less patience now than I did with one. I feel like I would just be constantly mean with a third. And lastly, I feel like I would completely lose myself as an individual with a third child.

Being a mom, a wife, and full-time employee is hard work. Some days I throw my hands up and wish I can disappear for a few days to recharge myself. I feel like a constant failure and I continue to let the people I love most down and disappoint. That feeling sucks. Some days are good- but some days aren’t. Having a toddler is hard and how I handle situations I’m not proud of. Sometimes I yell too loud or my patience could be better. But, I try. I try to recognize my shortcomings and try to do better next time.

I know two is enough. I know for me to be the best mom I can be is to know two is enough. And I know there no more of myself to go around. But why is the finality of it so hard?

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4 thoughts on “When to move to the next chapter…

  1. Yep, we are about to try for our second and I know that at 2 we are done. It makes me a little sad but at the same time, I will have some time for myself again and time to focus on my husband. We are hoping to put the energy (after baby 2 leaves the baby/toddler stage) towards hobbies and travel etc.

    I think transition is hard. Transitioning away from that ‘TTC’ stage and not having any babies anymore will be hard but hopefully for you it is a smooth transition and you can take a few moments to yourself here and there!!

    1. I completely agree to all of what you said. I’ve found having 2 kiddos has added SO much more stress to our house and our marriage; way more than having one. I am looking forward to eventually taking some family vacations and to be able to focus more on our marriage when the little one gets a little bigger.
      A few days ago our youngest turned one, and I’m actually pretty stoked to have the bottle thing limited to about 16 oz and transitioning to whole milk. It’s a pretty big graduation and excited no more formula!

    2. To add, I think that’s another thing that scares me with the thought of #3 and losing myself completely. I would have NO time for me, and having PPD, I’ve realized it’s VERY important to allow myself some time for me. Also, who wants to babysit 3 kids plus a dog? It would be impossible for my husband and I to sneak away for a weekend if we wanted with 3 kids.

      1. Same here! Plus, I grew up in a very very large family and I still struggle sometimes because as the eldest, I am often a lower priority than my siblings. So I think with 2 kids I can be fairly equal with my attention.

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