After having my second child, I knew he was going to be our last. At the time of crying, screaming, major sleep deprivation, and constant stress in the house, it was pretty easy to say “yep, we are done”. But, now that I had a pregnancy scare a few days ago, and making the decision to make this “final”, I seem to be having a hard time with it. Logistically, I know we are done. Financially, we are done. Mentally, I totally can’t do it again. But why are there heart strings being pulled to finally turn the chapter? Is it knowing I’ll never have those first baby snuggles again? Maybe. Is it because it was so hard to have babies to begin with, trying to have babies has been my “hobby” for about 6 years and it’s all I know? Possibly.
When I think about all the pros and cons, I know I’m done having babies. Having a second child has been an eye opening experience. I now know I am not the best human with no sleep. Getting out of that dark hole has been harder this time around and I don’t ever want to experience that again. I have much less patience now than I did with one. I feel like I would just be constantly mean with a third. And lastly, I feel like I would completely lose myself as an individual with a third child.
Being a mom, a wife, and full-time employee is hard work. Some days I throw my hands up and wish I can disappear for a few days to recharge myself. I feel like a constant failure and I continue to let the people I love most down and disappoint. That feeling sucks. Some days are good- but some days aren’t. Having a toddler is hard and how I handle situations I’m not proud of. Sometimes I yell too loud or my patience could be better. But, I try. I try to recognize my shortcomings and try to do better next time.
I know two is enough. I know for me to be the best mom I can be is to know two is enough. And I know there no more of myself to go around. But why is the finality of it so hard?