Tubal vs. vasectomy

Here’s the deal: this has been a MAJOR roadblock in my marriage. This has been hanging over us and our household for months and it’s just a roadblock that just doesn’t seem to go away. I’ve asked my husband to think about a vasectomy for these reasons:

1. I have done enough to my body with fertility drugs, treatments, laparoscopic surgery to rule out endometriosis, egg retrieval during IVF, etc.

2. I’ve done enough with pregnancy and labor.

3. I’ve put my body through enough with hormone injections and years of birth control pills.

4. For the argument of it shouldn’t be 100% the woman’s responsibility 100% off the time.

Now, 1-2 my husband couldn’t do anything about it. We both wanted children, and it was a sacrifice I KNEW I had to make if we ever would have a family. I can tell you IVF and Frozen Embryo Transfer protocols scared the daylights out of me, and I spent many, many tears over the decision. What would it be doing to my body, long-term? What would I be doing to my body, if in the end, it didn’t work? I hated I had to make the decision, but it was the sacrifice I felt it was worth to have a family. And, it frankly was the cards I was dealt. My husband couldn’t step in for me and make the sacrifice to take fertility injections; it HAD to be me.

So, now in the present: we are talking about permanent birth control and he can NOW stand up and decide to take this away from me. He can make a sacrifice to his body so I don’t have to go through another procedure and more risk. And yet, he’s made no decision. Well, really making no decision IS his decision.

After being scared of getting pregnant this past week, I’ve decided I’m moving forward with getting my tubes done. I will be waiting for my husband FOREVER, because if he doesn’t want to do something, he won’t ever do it. Which sucks and pisses me off because I shouldn’t have to make this sacrifice. But, being pregnant and having another baby would be more of a sacrifice. I’m doing this for ME and not for him.

I haven’t told him my decision yet for 2 reasons. 1: I feel like it’s going to start a fight because he hasn’t stepped up to making a decision. And 2: selfishly, it’s going to piss me off to see the relief in his eyes that he doesn’t have to get his man parts snipped.

Update: him and I had a talk and that’s for a different post.. I’m still going to move forward with a tubal.

10 thoughts on “Tubal vs. vasectomy

  1. Before infertility my wife and I had this discussion about what we’d do after having kids. The argument for me getting the vasectomy is that it was a simpler process and that my wife had been the one on birth control for years. It would be my turn to step up. I always dreaded the idea of having a procedure done down there and the pain after.
    It turns out it wasn’t necessary as nature unfortunately took care of that for me lol

    I think you have every right to be annoyed after what you’ve put your body through that you are the one in charge of birth control. I wish you the best of luck with getting through this.

    1. Thank you so much for your support, especially hearing a male point of view. I did initially give him some grace because, when we talked about it before, prior to fertility treatments, I was okay with getting my tubes done. Then, with PCOS diagnosis, I was under the impression I would need BC forever; so a vasectomy never came up. Fast forward to two kids later, I asked him to think about it and the topic wasn’t taken well. However, months later with pretty much the same response is a bit upsetting to me. It’s just not fair for me, but I have to accept it.

  2. I know another woman that did the tubal (right after her c-section too!) because her husband didn’t feel like having a vasectomy. She also went through the gauntlet with fertility treatments. Myself and the other women in our group were horrified that her husband expected her to have an invasive procedure, when a vasectomy is quick, practically painless, and reversible. I would resent my husband and lose trust and respect for him if he was cowardly or evasive about the procedure. Like, why? Is he considering divorcing me and having more children with a younger spouse? Is he cheating and concerned about his sexual performance? Does he really just not GAF about what is best for me and our family? F*ck that. XOXO

    1. It’s funny you mention those questions, because I did ask him that directly a few months ago. I said besides the obvious, I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t think about doing it. Are you worried something will happen to me and you want to be able to have the option of having kids with someone else? Or, do you not think we will work out? Both of which he dismissed quickly and said he’s 35 and too old to even want to think about having kids- with or without me. And it’s not at all his reasoning. So, I guess that’s what’s bothering most.. the WHY? Yes, I get it.. not someone wants to randomly decide to do. But I feel like it sort of discredits all that I’ve done for him and our family- and that he doesn’t recognize how much of a sacrifice I have made. Like, does it even matter what I’ve done? This is so hard.

  3. So, DH and I are actually ttc again, therefore we haven’t really went too far with these conversations. But there are a few recent studies that show an increased risk of the most aggressive form of prostate cancer in men who have had a vasectomy. (but not an increased risk of the less serious forms) DH’s family has absolutely terrible luck with cancer. Almost every single one of them have had some type of cancer at some point. 😖 So it’s been my choice to tell DH that I don’t want him to ever have a vasectomy. (He is comfortable with the risk, I am not) If we ever come to a point where something needs to be done, it won’t be a vasectomy. But I do have to say, the idea of a tubal sounds extremely unpleasant. 😦 Sorry you have to make that choice.

    1. Thanks for your reply. And I guess it’s not really about the procedure for either of us that’s the issue. The problem, at least in my eyes, is that he is not willing to make a sacrifice for me like I had to do for him. And really not understanding his reasoning besides the freaked out reasoning. Uh, I get it. I’m still freaked out on what future things will pop up for me for injecting myself with all of that crap I had to do for a family. It just hurts my heart

      1. I hope my first reply didn’t sound like I don’t think you have a right to feel that way. You totally do! And I understand where you’re coming from. Over the years I did 3 medicated ti cycles, 2 medicated iuis and 2 full stim ivf cycles. I used to say “I don’t care if it kills me, I just want to have a baby!” when I was at my lowest and most emotional points. Now that the reality has hit that I’ve put a LOT of medication into my body (let’s not forget 3 full pregnancies and many many cycles of lovenox and progesterone), I really hope I won’t have to eat my words. 😲

      2. I know- Im terrified of what the future holds for my body. And, no, please don’t apologize! I thought I just needed to clarify that it’s not the procedure, per say, it’s the principal of the situation. I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice my body 100% while he got to do his deed in a cup. Not at all a comparison. 😑

  4. I am grateful my husband has already stepped up and volunteered to get a vasectomy once our baby making days are over. Big hugs to you and I hope you both come to an agreement about it all that doesn’t leave either of you resentful.

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