Infertility

Consult scheduled.

I’ve scheduled my tubal consult for tomorrow morning. The one thing I’ve been a little concerned about, besides the obvious, is I’m hoping I’m not having a prolapse issue. If I do, this tubal will be easier for me to swallow since there would be another medical reason for surgery.

When we talked about me having the surgery, he said that he does not want to be in a marriage where I will resent him for the rest of his life. And he wanted to make it clear that he was not forcing me into it. I told him, I have NO choice. I don’t want to be taking BC pills anymore and he hates condoms. So it HAS to be him or me. And apparently, I don’t have a choice because he’s not willing to do it.

I hope I don’t end up resentful for this. But, I can’t help to think, in this moment, that my husband is a selfish coward. It hurts my heart that he’s not willing to give any physical sacrifice for me. And I’m not sure if I’ll want him there during surgery day.

We will see what the doctor says tomorrow. I have a lot to think about.

Edit: I’d like to make this clear, as I’m not upset at my husband for the surgery itself. I’m 100% sure my baby-making days are over, and if I didn’t have the history for fertility treatments, and we were a “normal” reproductive couple, I’m pretty certain him and I wouldn’t have even talked about a vasectomy. However, what makes me upset, is I feel like him not willing to give something for me sort of discredits the sacrifices I made for him and I to have a family. Like, does he not understand the physical and mental things I went through? Does he not remember the HSG test where my legs were open to a full room of people and the dr could not get the catheter through my cervix? Does he not remember the dr needed to insert a dilator and use a metal catheter to get up there to perform the test and I was in tears because I was absolutely mortified? All the injections, estrogen patches, long needles, procedures, dildo cams… and, after all of that, pregnancies that were not the easiest. And yet, he’s not willing to think about getting two tubes clipped. I just don’t understand how a partner can’t look at it all, and be like, “you know what? As much as I don’t want to do this, you’ve been through enough. I’ll take this one.”

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12 thoughts on “Consult scheduled.

    1. I’ve thought about asking him if we could do counseling but I’m not sure if he would. I think if he heard something he didn’t like, he would just walk out. The only way I think he would consider is if I suggest we see another counselor than who I’ve been seeing for my PPD so he wouldn’t think she has a biased opinion.

      1. Yeah you would need an unbiased 3rd party, and male is perferible when dealing with an apprehensive husband. I get it, Mr. MLACS has refused every time I have brought it up but I always give up because it’s hard to find a counselor and many don’t accept insurance and we’d need a babysitter, etc. etc. And we’ll have long periods of peaceful existence…and then sh*t hit the fan and the cycle repeats… But one of these days, I’m going to firce the issue. XOXO

      2. Yeah I had a hard time find a counselor for me dealing with PPD and where my insurance was covered. Thankfully, I did so that shouldn’t be the problem. When I was driving home, I think what is really bothering me is the WHY. I think the only way to move passed this is to understand his reasoning why he won’t do it. So, I’m going to ask him directly and see what he says, or suggest we go see someone to talk to. I know he doesn’t want me to resent him forever, but I need to know why to have a chance to move on. Not sure if I will be satisfied knowing or if it will just piss me off more..

  1. Is your husband always this irrationally scared of medical procedures? Or is it just because it involves his man parts?

    I keep wondering if maybe he secretly kind of wants another baby and just hasn’t said so. I know it’s not an option for your family but it seems like something is really holding him back. Which makes the above idea about marriage counseling sound like a really great idea. (I wouldn’t be able to get my hubs to go either. I’ve tried!)

    1. Oh I’m SURE he’s afraid of it. When I first mentioned the idea months ago, he seemed absolutely disgusted to think about him “being awake and watching them fillet him”. Uh, that’s not how it works. He then said something like “I’m sure they will say I need to be on high blood pressure meds..” I mean, this man hasn’t been to a family dr since I’ve been married to him.. I don’t even know when the last time was really. I’ve tried to get him to the dr for a physical but he makes up some excuse not to go. So yeah, I think he does have this irrational fear, and maybe a fear of things he doesn’t want to hear. I get it. But, come on. I just went through one of the scariest things a few months back waiting on a biopsy of my thyroid and the thoughts that were going through my head were SCARY. I don’t know….. sigh.
      I have a good friend who’s husband went through it. The dr actually gave him the decision of being awake for the procedure or to have surgery and be put under. Of course her husband decided the latter. So I told him that, since being awake was his real only excuse of not getting it done, and that didn’t seem to matter either. He came back saying “well then being put under would be as risky as you getting yourself done”. My response “no, your parts are right there, mine they have to go digging. So, your procedure is still safer..” and then no response.

  2. My husband brought it up himself because a bunch of blokes at his station (he’s law enforcement) have had it done and they were all joking about it and all of them said it was the best decision they made. In one blokes earthy phrase “now we can have sex whenever the fuck we want without worrying about babies and my wife is no longer on hormones which affected her sex drive and moods”…. sex with a wife who was less crazy? Totally sold my hubby on it 🤣

    Does he have some mates who have had it done who could have a word?

    I hope you can work something out, I think a counsellor is a good idea, either for you to work through your feelings about having surgery or for the two of you as a couple. Men can be such babies sometimes… 2 cuts, day surgery and an excuse to sit on the couch for a few days… whilst yes there can be complications 99% of the time it is simple.

    1. Oh man, is SO wish! I just responded to another comment saying my good friend’s husband got it done. He had the option to be awake or to be knocked out. Of course he decided to be knocked out. I thought that would help sell it.. his fear was being awake (which I totally get- I wouldn’t want to be awake either), he sort of knew someone who went through it, and now we would know a dr who could do it. I do think he has some sort of irrational fear of it, which if that’s the real reason, I can sort of be okay with it. As much as I can, anyways. .

      1. My hubs can’t pull the ‘scared of being awake’ card with me because I had a csection and was awake when they sliced open my abdomen and removed a 3.36kg human 🤣 I win!

        Although, if it was a vasectomy, I would probably choose knocked out too, lol.

        When I have surgery (that isn’t a csection) I always do myself up a pamper hamper. I put in my fav snacks, fav drinks, a new book to read or game to play etc.

  3. Is your husband coming with you to the consult? Maybe it would be good if he could hear all about the potential side effects and realize that getting your tubes tied is a much more invasive procedure than a vasectomy. You could arrange for a doctor to talk to you both about a vasectomy. Maybe the doctor could reassure him. And then after hearing about both options in details you could both discuss it again. He needs to at least be honest with you about his reason for being against it.

    1. When I told him I scheduled the appt, he told me to tell him what I wanted him to do; come with me or not. I chose for him not to be here.. I’m currently waiting for the dr to come into the room

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