Hard truth

It’s been 15 days I’ve been really spending some quality time on myself. Not just trying to lose some pounds, but also trying to gain an understanding of myself.

15 days I have actively been working out. Only 3 days did I take rest days, and even at that, those rest days I did yoga.

15 days I have been figuring out my anxiety triggers, and the negative coping skills I have been medicating myself with (ie sweet binges).

15 days I have been taking time out of my day to journal and/or read a book for a type of escape.

And on this 15th day, I realized I no longer want to put myself last. I am realizing by doing that, I am not only making myself suffer; but, I am making my whole family suffer with me.

Day 15 I mark to put myself first (or relatively first). I need to take time out for my health. I need to take time out for my sanity. I am human. By starting to move myself up on the priority list, I feel empowered. I feel happier. I feel like I am starting to enjoy my husband and kids again. So, by putting some time and effort in myself, my family also gains.

Yesterday at my oldest’s therapy session, I admitted to my son I have faults and I’m not perfect. Even mommy is working on herself. And, I told him my biggest trigger is the noise chaos. I wasn’t sure if he understood what I was trying to tell him or not, but I need to start being honest with myself and with my kids. My oldest definitely struggles with anxiety, and I want him to know he’s not alone.

So this morning, him and his brother start getting loud and I could feel my anxiety heighten. I looked at my oldest, and I said calmly “sweetie, so you remember what I told you yesterday about noise?” He looked at me and says “yes”. And by some miracle, he lowered his voice and he stopped yelling. He heard me. He understood and he listened. At that moment, I was so proud of not only me but of my son.

So, reality sucks. It’s hard to take a big look at yourself and your life and admit there are a lot of problems. But, these 15 days have been the best days I have had in a long time. I’m hopeful things will continue and we will all be in a happier place. ❤️

And, I’m Back

I took a bit of unwanted hiatus from my healthier living routine. Mainly because I tweaked something in my low back, and I needed to rest. Unfortunately, exercise seems to dictate how well I make food choices. So, I was off my workout routine, which means my stress/anxiety was extra strong. I’m hindsight, it really makes me realize how much better I feel with my anxiety when I have exercise in my life. Without it, I go back to my horrible eating habits. To make things worse, it’s the holidays; many more sweets in the house than usual. I did what any addict does and medicated myself the old way. You know, binge eating sweets. There is no moderation, and I can’t stop. It’s quite embarrassing to admit how many calories I’m sure I consumed within a matter of days and weeks. Sadly, my waistline can probably tell you the story better than I can 🥺

How is it sweets feel so comforting? Then, out of the binge, you feel like total crap that you gave into it again?

I’m doing what most people do after a New Year.. swear to eat better and get back to exercising. I’m taking it easier with my back, and modifying where I can to be sure I don’t create more of an injury. I feel good. I feel less stress. And best of all, I feel the same endorphins I seek in sweets. Without the guilt.

Here’s to hoping I can keep this up and get back into the good habits I had before the sweets addiction took over.

Does anyone else find positive coping skills during times of stress/anxiety? I automatically reach for a cookie without realizing I’m doing it. I’m curious what works for others, as I would like to pick up as many good habits as I can ❤️❤️

Day 1.

I’ve been on a blogging hiatus for a very long time, and frankly, I’m not quite sure where to begin. I guess, I’ll start with a quick life recap on the past 7 years:

• Our miracle baby #1 after many years of fertility treatments is going to be turning 7 in less than a month.
• Our miracle baby #2 (conceived naturally by a miracle in itself) is going to be turning 4 in just 2 days.
• My DH and I are actively looking for our “forever” home.
• I have a very demanding, but rewarding job.

7-10 years ago, I would have listed that off in my mind thinking that would be my happily ever after. But, does that really exist? Once you feel like you have it all, life sure likes to shake you back to reality.

Things are good. I have a great job, a supporting husband, and two amazing boys. But, I’m human. I’m struggling. This past year:

• I’ve had 4-5 panic attacks since the pandemic hit.
• I’ve learned I love my family, but there’s only so much togetherness we all can take.
• I’ve learned that over my years of life, I struggle with addiction for food. Yes, it’s an addiction.
• I’ve learned when I’m stressed, I automatically reach for sugar to cope.

Addiction is such a strong word, and I didn’t think being addicted to food/sugar was a real thing. My husband would say “just have one cookie, not five”. But, that’s like telling an alcoholic to have one drink. You can’t control yourself once you start. That’s how I am with sugar. There is no control.

My dad is a recovering alcoholic. Through my anxiety/depression work this year, I’ve learned how strong he is to fight that addiction every day. I would look at my eating habits, shrug my shoulders, and think “well, at least I’m not grabbing a drink.” However, am I doing as much damage to myself?

I was able to go totally sugar free for 40 days. It felt amazing I could conquer my addiction to sugar. I lost weight, felt better about myself, and it felt good to go shopping for smaller clothing. However, I also quickly learned that ruling out sugar was also defeating my fight over my anxiety. My panic attacks increased. Thankfully, with help of my therapist, I started to learn a trigger for my panic attacks was dehydration. An issue with cutting out sugar from the diet, is you can become quickly dehydrated. If you’re not supplementing with electrolytes, it makes the dehydration worse.

I was also tracking my sugar in the mornings (again, obsession/addiction), and my fasting sugar became pre-diabetic levels. I didn’t have a sugar problem prior to cutting out sugar. From Dr. Google, I read going sugar free/keto living, it was normal to have higher levels of fasting sugar. That, the best measurement for sugar was the A1C. But, I realized my newfound diet was making my anxiety and panic attacks worse. Instead of feeling better, I was getting worse. That led me to give up the sugar free way of eating, and went back to my old ways.

Yes, I did well at the beginning. Making sure to keep my portions right and not go overboard. But, Halloween came (usually a trigger for my bad eating to start), and I’ve quickly fallen down the same path I’m used to. Overeating sugar. Overeating, period.

I want to kick this addiction once and for all. I want to do better for myself and my family. I want to set a good example for my kids for a healthy eating and exercising regime. If I have an addictive personality from my father, maybe my kids will also have it.

I want to conquer my anxiety. I want to conquer my depression.

This blog has been a ramble of thoughts, and for that, I apologize. I don’t even expect anyone to read this. I used to blog to get me through a really hard point in my life with fertility struggles. Now that I’m over that hump, I now have the realization of every day life. Life is hard. No matter what you’re dealing with, most of us are struggling with something. Today, my struggle is my addiction.

Day 1. I have been exercising again for 3 days. I started a new Beachbody workout today and I feel great. I’m hoping the rest of today is good with food. Minute by minute..